Now, CAPTAIN BAGG had bowed him to
A heavy matrimonial yoke--
His wifey had of faults a few--
She never could resist a joke.
Her chaff at first he meekly bore,
Till unendurable it grew.
"To stop this persecution sore
I will consult my friend CAREW.
"And when CAREW'S advice I've got,
Divorce a mensa I shall try."
(A legal separation--not
A vinculo conjugii.)
"Oh, BAINES CAREW, my woe I've kept
A secret hitherto, you know;"--
(And BAINES CAREW, ESQUIRE, he wept
To hear that BAGG HAD any woe.)
"My case, indeed, is passing sad.
My wife--whom I considered true--
With brutal conduct drives me mad."
"I am appalled," said BAINES CAREW.
"What! sound the matrimonial knell
Of worthy people such as these!
Why was I an attorney? Well--
Go on to the saevitia, please."
"Domestic bliss has proved my bane,--
A harder case you never heard,
My wife (in other matters sane)
Pretends that I'm a Dicky bird!
"She makes me sing, 'Too-whit, too-wee!'
And stand upon a rounded stick,
And always introduces me
To every one as 'Pretty Dick'!"
"Oh, dear," said weeping BAINES CAREW,
"This is the direst case I know."
"I'm grieved," said BAGG, "at paining you--
"To COBB and POLTHERTHWAITE I'll go--
"To COBB'S cold, calculating ear,
My gruesome sorrows I'll impart"--
"No; stop," said BAINES, "I'll dry my tear,
And steel my sympathetic heart.
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